I'm pretty bored today and can't get out due to the snow which 99% of the time fuck up my plans so I've been thinking about my life and where it's going, or not going. I'm totally confused as to what I want to do. I'm currently going to school and taking a CNA class (certified nursing assistant), while awaiting a seperation which is rough all on it's own, and am taking 3 med courses for Medical Transcription which can lead to that job or nurse/doctor positions. I know I want something in the medical field as I have always been interested in other peoples problems and trying to help. I have an advice column on here as well. Even wtih school though I am more behind than I would like to be. I also have this problem with pushing people away.  Like last night I was talking to a friend for a few mins and there was this odd vibe. It was like each one of us had something to say to the other one but didn't know how. This is someone I can talk to pretty much about anything. I tend to do really stupid things like, starting fights for no reason, and avoiding someone, when I'm afraid of getting too close to them and relying on them to be there and then they aren't. I hurt alot of people this way and it's for my own protection, which sucks but I can't just be open to letting people get in. I have lost 2 great guys who were initially my friends over the fact that we got too close and it started causing problems. I have this friend now who is in a relationship as well as myself, although neither one of us are totally happy nor do we know what to do about the situation at the moment and him and I have become kinda close in the last couple weeks. I'm scared of that. I'm afraid that things will get more intense as we talk and that it will end up ruining our friendship. There is this really strong sexual vibe between him and I. Almost everytime we talk anymore one of us is turned on and I'm well aware that that is all normal and what not, but what can I do to change it. I wish attraction were like a light switch, flick it on and off whenever it's the right time. I also become really drawn to people I meet that I can click with really well. Yes I have friends, not alot because I won't just let anyone in, but the friends I do have I can talk to.  But there is always one that seems to stick out for some reason. How can you make your heart stop caring. I become drawn to them rather quickly yet push them away if I feel they are me to keep from getting hurt or losing them which goes along the same lines as getting hurt. My friend told me he has no problem with getting close to me and that if something happened as in feelings and such that we'd deal with it, but I'm scared and am trying to push him away from me. He asks me why but I can't say anything. What do you do when you and a friend have a strong sexual chemistry and slight feelings and know that you can't be together no matter how much you'd like to get together and hang out and see what happens.? I mean yes anything is possible if we both want it, but he is in a relationship with someone and he loves her but he says he doesn't think he's inlove with her anymore. I have this guy that I love talking to and he makes me laugh and we get along great, and then I have this guy I'm afraid of losing for all the same reasons I said earlier and try to push him away. *sighs*

I dont have alot to say right now. I'm just kinda feeling like a loner today I guess. I got up about 1 something and wanted to go out but we have like 3 inches of snow here and it was snowing at the time as well so I'm kinda stuck in the house right now. I love snow but not if it keeps me from doing shit. Also I'm having trouble with all this html shit so I'm working on that for my page. If anyone is any good with that stuff help me out. *plz *. I talked to my friend Shady last night on the phone for a good 2 hours. We are just online friends but have talked, it will be 2 years in June. Just one day it was kinda like wanna ?. We just started talking on the phone within the last 2 weeks. His birthday is on the 13th of this month so I'm kinda happy about that. It tickles me that it's going to be his b-day. He will be 24, yet he feels he's getting 'old'. .He seems to understand me better than alot of people I live around. We both are currently involved with someone and not as happy as we should be but kinda feel trapped so it's nice having him to talk to about it. I got off the phone with him this morning about 6:30 and didn't get to bed til 8 am. I'm tired but not ready to go to bed. I was so hyper when I got off the phone this morning. I was dancing around my house half naked with my music blasting and chatting online. I finially got some sleep but this is just one of those days when you say . That's all Ive got to say now.